Staying Positive

I believe a positive attitude helps health. I believe that people who can remain hopeful, determined, and positive have better outcomes when faced with illness. I believe optimism heals. I believe that God wants us to feel happy and confident.

I know that maintaining a positive attitude can be hard work and almost impossible to maintain when faced with major losses. . .of loved ones, relationships, security, health, serenity. There have been many times when I have felt hopeless and scared and sad and mad and worried and in pain and weak and sick with fever.

As I have journeyed through Lymphoma, I have had to search my soul and I have often had to reach very deep within to find something to be thankful for. Other times, my blessings are abundant, obvious, and easily felt.

To help myself stay encouraged while facing a life-threatening illness and coping with side-effects of toxic treatments, I have tried to keep my words and language positive.

It is very popular to use such language as battle with cancer, cancer warrior, the beast, the nasty beast, war against cancer, victim of cancer, monster, struggle, hate, cancer sucks, fight. 

I don't use any of those words. They are all negative; some are violent.  I don't use hateful words in any other aspect of my life and I believe in peace.  In fact, I'm glad my cancer has its own name, Lymphoma, so I don't even have to use the word cancer if I don't want to. I call it my Lymphoma Journey. I will not hate my Lymphoma as it has become part of me and I will not hate myself.

I try not to fear my Lymphoma. If it takes my life then that will be the way I go.

Before and After

When I first became sick with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, it was suggested that I keep a diary of my experiences as I traveled on this journey.  There are plenty of reasons I did not.  First one being that I was so sick and felt I would never want to remember it. Secondly, I was in shock and couldn't fathom how gravely ill I really was. Writing it down may make it a reality I couldn't deny. Furthermore, there are periods of time I am unable to remember. My husband has filled me in little by little as I have continued to regain my health.

My Remission was confirmed in February and it is May now. I finally want to talk about what I have been through. I want my voice heard and it is my hope that someone who is where I once was will find my little corner of the Internet and be comforted and cheered. Things really and truly will be better. I promise. 

This photo was taken 6 weeks before my diagnosis and 8 weeks before my first chemo. I had no symptoms and no clue! I had never been sick and had just been given a clean bill of health a couple of months before this. My mammogram, pap smear, and all my blood work were perfectly normal. I took no medications of any kind and had never had any surgeries. I have always loved to cook and I believe in eating healthful foods. I went to the gym and was physically fit. I was healthy! Never had colds or flu. Never missed work due to illness. No complaints of aches or pains. No headaches. I can't have cancer; that is preposterous.

I miss my hair! I miss my color and the healthy glow of my complexion. I miss my scar-free chest.

~ ~ ~

Nine months later, it looks like 20 years have gone by. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and it sure shows in my face. Since I no longer have that nice layer of fat under my skin, it just hangs there. Because I have had a lot of trouble with chemo induced anemia, I have been as pale as snow. At least I am getting some color back. Here, I am wearing lipstick and eyebrows but no other makeup. And they say I look good. It makes me feel so sad thinking of how I must have looked when I was really sick.

Quick, put on a wig and scarf!